Jokes #2

A guy walks into his doctor's office with a carrot stuck in his ear and an asparagus spear dangling from his nostril. "Doctor, I feel terrible," he says. "What's wrong with me?" "I'm not sure," says the doctor, "but I can tell you're not eating right.

A duck walks into a 7-11, and asks, Duck: "Do you have any grapes?" Clerk: "No, we don't carry grapes. This is a 7-11." The duck leaves. The next day, the duck walks into the 7-11. Duck: "Do you have any grapes?" Clerk: "No, I told you yesterday we don't have grapes! This is a 7-11!" The duck leaves. Again on the third day, the duck walks into the 7-11. Duck: "Do you have any grapes?" Clerk: "No, I've told you twice before we don't have grapes! If you come in here tomorrow and ask for grapes, I'll nail your feet to the floor!" The duck leaves. The fourth day, the duck walks into the 7-11 and asks, Duck: "Do you have any nails?" Clerk: "No! This is a 7-11, we don't carry nails!" Duck: "Do you have any grapes?"

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One turns to the other and says: "Does this taste funny to you?"

Reading the nutritional information on a jar of pickles the other day, I noticed that the serving size was "3/4 of a pickle". Huh? How did they arrive at that? Did they want to make their numbers look better? Who eats 3/4 of a pickle?

Calvin: People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world. Hobbes: Isn't your pants' zipper supposed to be in the front?

On one occasion a student burst into his office. "Professor Stigler, I don't believe I deserve this F you've given me." To which Stigler replied, "I agree, but unfortunately it is the lowest grade the University will allow me to award."

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night." -- Charlie Brown, Peanuts [Charles Schulz]